Awake With My Thoughts

Well, it's 4:13 in the morning and once again I can't sleep. Partly because I can't breath and can't stop coughing, and partly because I can't stop thinking about everything that is going on in my life right now. Where should I begin...

First of all, I would LOVE to be COMPLETELY over this dang cold/virus, whatever it is that I have. I called the doctor and got some drugs on Thursday, and I am improving, but I am so tired and physically exhausted from coughing and blowing my nose, trying to get rid of all this snot!!! Probably more than you wanted to know!

Second, I have a very strong feeling that Kaiden that will be arriving early, and I am nowhere near being ready, and that makes me very anxious. In fact, I'm wondering if I should be dusting right now instead of on the computer. Every time I think about it, I swear I get a contraction, and last night it felt like he was knocking on the door begging to come out. I had two dreams tonight that he came. The house, I feel like, is a disaster, and have I mentioned that we don't even have the room ready??? I keep trying to convince myself that it doesn't really matter because he won't really need a room the first few months of his life, but it would be nice to have everything organized and ready. I'm hoping to make some progress on this tomorrow. Chip might come over to help paint, and Eric picked up the furniture last night. I just feel so bad that Eric has been working so hard in order to try to get things done, and he is sick as well, and I know he would LOVE to be sitting in his new man cave enjoying his T.V. but the past two nights he's been up until 1:00 trying to get things done. I truly have an amazing husband, and I really don't know what I would do without him.

Finally, I am very concerned about the health of my Grandpa Rauth. He was finally moved out of ICU Friday evening, and appears to be somewhat stable, but he did not look well when we went up to visit him yesterday. Apparently they over-medicated him, as he was very groggy. He did wake up for a short while to talk to me and hold my hand. I even coerced a smile out of him! I look into those dark brown eyes and see the soul of a man who I will always remember as being a jovial, spiritual, talkative Grandpa that I know and love. I will always love him, it is just so hard to see him in the condition that he is in, but we all know that Grandpa is a fighter. He has endured many trials along life's path and survived, but I can only wonder if he is tired of fighting and will decide to let go, and let God call him home. The doctor who rounded yesterday did speak to my Grandma some about end of life care and faith. She said this was the first time a doctor has ever talked to her about faith, and I could tell that she greatly appreciated it. Faith is a huge component of my grandparents life, and I know my Grandma hopes and prays that when the time comes God will quietly slip Grandpa away in his sleep. I think that's what we all would hope for. Unfortunately, life and medicine can sometimes complicate things and there is the possibility that Grandma could have a lot of heavy decisions to make down the road. Fortunately, she is not alone. She is surrounded by a group of very strong, educated women who will support her and guide her in her decisions. Ultimately though, the decision is God's, and it reminds me of a quote from Isaiah, "Good people are taken away, but no one understands. Those who do right are being taken away from evil and are given peace. Those who live as God wants find rest in death."